With all this Music Director discussion it seems like a good time to post something in a little more humorous direction. Several years ago someone sent me a wish list just in case a policy is ever put in place for monetary penalties during orchestral services, and I’ve updated and revised it a few times over the years. Those of you who work regularly in an orchestra may recognize some of these infractions; hopefully everyone can find something amusing here. It seems to be evolving every year or so, so feel free to email me with any suggestions for future fines…..
INFRACTION |
FINE |
IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL | |
Stupid Questions |
$ 10.00 |
Really stupid questions |
$ 25.00 |
Really Stupid Questions Which Increase Rehearsal Time |
$ 300.00 |
PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST-YEAR BEHAVIOR | |
Musicological Elucidation |
$ 25.00 |
Historical Nitpicking |
$ 50.00 |
Obtrusive Foot Tapping |
$ 10.00 |
Uninvited Conducting |
$ 15.00 |
Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings (strings) |
$ 25.00 |
Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with what Philadelphia did under Ormandy |
$ 100.00 |
TOADYING | |
Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes |
$ 50.00 |
Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes |
$ 20.00 |
Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing |
$ 40.00 |
Ridiculously Minute Bowing/Breathing Questions |
$ 75.00 |
Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than English |
$ 95.00 |
Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor |
$ 35.00 |
Pencil Behind Ear |
$ 25.00 |
Conspicuous Part Marking |
$ 15.00 |
Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking |
$ 300.00 |
Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish Minor Bowing Change |
$ 100.00 |
Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score During Break |
$ 150.00 |
Reference to Obscure Recordings/Performances |
$ 90.00 |
Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During Rehearsal |
$ 15.00 |
Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor |
$ 25.00 |
Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal Time Than They Think |
$ 750.00 |
ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS | |
Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass) |
$ 25.00 |
Holding Same 1/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else |
$ 200.00 |
Discussing Technique During Rehearsal |
$ 100.00 |
Discussing Technique During Break |
$ 200.00 |
Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time) |
$ 500.00 |
Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes |
$ 30.00 |
Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (Second-Hand) |
$ 60.00 |
Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (First-Hand) |
$ 90.00 |
Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign Languages |
$ 150.00 |
GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR | |
Inviting Conductor to Party |
$ 15.00 |
Inviting Soloist to Party |
$ 100.00 |
Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service Following Party |
$ 200.00 |
Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before Service |
$ 50.00 |
Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can |
$ 100.00 |
Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can |
$ 250.00 |
Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be Performed by Guest Artist |
$ 400.00 |
Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes |
$ 10.00 |
Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs |
$ 15.00 |
Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire (e.g. Pachelbel Canon) |
$ 65.00 |
Conversing With Management (non-hostile) |
$ 25.00 |
Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians |
$ 200.00 |
So, what would the fine be for printing several copies and handing them out to infractors at my next rehearsal?
I bet it would be worth it!
I would simply have to disagree with the pencil-behind-the-ear fine… that technique avoids the higher penalty of the pencil clanking on the music stand.