Now that we’re all back into the season full swing, I thought it would be fun to revisit a popular post from a couple of years ago. Different versions of this list have circulated for years, so again I encourage you to post comments with any suggestions for additional fines/infractions.
Also, it seemed appropriate to add a special management section, just as a sign of the times. Please note all management fines are per incident, but variable depending on current executive compensation.
2011 Bonus Section:
Management Fines
- Creative accounting: $500.00
- Using the phrases “community engagement” or “new model” more than 75 times in one day: $200.00
- Plagiarizing Henry Fogel (verbal): $50.00
- Inability to identify Henry Fogel: $300.00
- Referring to ASOL (League) data from 1995 or before: $250.00
- Misinformed pension fund commentary (unintentional): $150.00
- Comical press gaffes: $25
- Any reference to a “20 hour workweek”: $3,000.00
- Using the words “Detroit”, “Philadelphia” and “new model” in the same sentence: $2,000.00
- General overuse of jargon or catchphrases (including above): $200.00
- Covert multi-year contract renewal: $2000.00
- Awkward fundraising speech before every subscription concert: $400.00
- Visible ponytail (male) : $500.00
- Habitual use of mystifying graphs and/or pie charts: $300.00
- Loss of more than 10 titled players in one season: $1,000.00
- Loss of more than 25 staff in one season: $500.00
- Premature bankruptcy declaration: TBD
Musician Fines
Impersonating a Professional
- Stupid questions: $10.00
- Really stupid questions:$20.00
Presumptuous First Year Behavior
- Musicological Elucidation: $25.00
- Historical Nitpicking: $50.00
- Obtrusive Foot Tapping: $10.00
- Uninvited Conducting: $15.00
- Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings (strings): $25.00
- Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with what Philadelphia did under Ormandy: $100.00
Toadying
- Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes: $50.00
- Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes: $20.00
- Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing: $40.00
- Ridiculously Minute Bowing/Breathing Questions: $75.00
- Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than English: $95.00
- Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor: $35.00
- Pencil Behind Ear: $25.00
- Conspicuous Part Marking: $15.00
- Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking: $300.00
- Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish Minor Bowing Change: $100.00
- Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score During Break: $150.00
- Reference to Obscure Recordings/Performances: $90.00
- Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During Rehearsal: $15.00
- Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor: $25.00
- Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal Time Than They Think: $2000.00
Annoying Behavior By Veterans
- Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass): $25.00
- Holding Same 1/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else: $200.00
- Discussing Technique During Rehearsal: $100.00
- Discussing Technique During Break : $200.00
- Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time): $500.00
- Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes: $30.00
- Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (Second-Hand): $60.00
- Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (First-Hand): $90.00
- Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign Languages: $150.00
General Obnoxious Behavior
- Inviting Conductor to Party: $15.00
- Inviting Soloist to Party: $100.00
- Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service Following Party: $200.00
- Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before Service: $50.00
- Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can: $100.00
- Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can: $250.00
- Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be Performed by Guest Artist : $400.00
- Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes: $10.00
- Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs: $15.00
- Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire (e.g. Pachelbel Canon): $65.00
- Conversing With Management (non-hostile): $25.00
- Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians: $200.00
What if soloist really wants to go to the party?
OK–you left out the category:
GUEST SOLOIST FINES INCURRED BY ORCHESTRA
1: not following the soloist tempi: $500.00
2: not letting soloist play cadenza in dress rehearsal: $1.00 per note
3: no water in the soloist dressing room: $3.50 (cost for case of water at Costco, BJs, whatever)
4: not tuning orchestra to the piano for piano concerto: $100.00 (cost of tuning piano equivalent)
5: not picking up artist at airport or train, taxi station, bus depot, hitch-hiker stop: $75.00
6: refusing to shake hand with soloist before and after: rotate concertmaster seat for gig
7: whispering about soloist for any reason during rehearsals: heavy duty tape over mouth, or $25.00
8: whispering about soloist for any reason during concerts: microphone secretly placed under your shirt or dress while you are sleeping + $50.00
9: playing too loudly when soloist has the melody: $50.00 plus mute for your instrument at your own expense
10: misuse of vibrato during soloist’s concerto depending on the style: $35.00 + rehab consisting of three private lessons by teacher of management choice.
Thanks, Jeffrey.
I’ll let this one speak for itself. But the tape seems a little extreme.
Practicing Don Juan when it’s not on the program must be an infraction. $50?
Love the management fines.
Mispronouncing musician’s name at his/her retirement.–$25
Mispronouncing musician’s name when announcing his/her death.–$100.
Programming any piece more than 20 times in a given season, or 50 times in a 5-year period.–$150.
Oh man…”Ponytail (male)” made me laugh out loud! Some of these made me cringe because I’ve been guilty of them..
Caring what Henry Fogel thinks in the first place: $500
Proposed $50 fine for both musicians and management who misuse the term “structural deficit”. Structural deficits only result from the inability to levy taxes. An orchestra’s deficit is really just a plain old deficit, but a union’s deficit could well be structural, if its expenses exceed its income from work dues, and it can’t raise work dues in time to cover the deficit.
Well, maybe. I think that term gets defined in all sorts of ways, depending on who’s talking. In any case, $50 seems a little low…
Where are the conductor fines? Too many to list, maybe.
Yes, perhaps for another (lengthy) post.
Filling up every inch of white space in a Mahler 5 part with fingerings: $80 plus bulk purchase of erasers
Adding soloist/conductor/management as a friend on Facebook: $125 per friend.
Yes! A whole new Social Media category is desperately needed. Taking selfie with conductor: $50 (after concert), $100 (at dress rehearsal), $250 (at earlier rehearsal). Posting selfie on Facetwitgram: $100 (following concert), $250 (before concert), $500 (before end of first rehearsal).