Bring your wallet (updated fines).

Now that we’re all back into the season full swing, I thought it would be fun to revisit a popular post from a couple of years ago. Different versions of this list have circulated for years, so again I encourage you to post comments with any suggestions for additional fines/infractions.

Also, it seemed appropriate to add a special management section, just as a sign of the times. Please note all management fines are per incident, but variable depending on current executive compensation.

2011 Bonus Section:

Management Fines

• Creative accounting: $500.00
• Using the phrases “community engagement” or “new model” more than 75 times in one day: $200.00
• Plagiarizing Henry Fogel (verbal): $50.00
• Inability to identify Henry Fogel: $300.00
• Referring to ASOL (League) data from 1995 or before: $250.00
• Misinformed pension fund commentary (unintentional): $150.00
• Comical press gaffes: $25
• Any reference to a “20 hour workweek”: $3,000.00
• Using the words “Detroit”, “Philadelphia” and “new model” in the same sentence: $2,000.00
• General overuse of jargon or catchphrases (including above): $200.00
• Covert multi-year contract renewal: $2000.00
• Awkward fundraising speech before every subscription concert: $400.00
• Visible ponytail (male) : $500.00
• Habitual use of mystifying graphs and/or pie charts: $300.00
• Loss of more than 10 titled players in one season: $1,000.00
• Loss of more than 25 staff in one season: $500.00
• Premature bankruptcy declaration: TBD

Musician Fines

Impersonating a Professional

• Stupid questions: $10.00
• Really stupid questions:$20.00

Presumptuous First Year Behavior

• Musicological Elucidation: $25.00
• Historical Nitpicking: $50.00
• Obtrusive Foot Tapping: $10.00
• Uninvited Conducting: $15.00
• Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings (strings): $25.00
• Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with what  Philadelphia did under Ormandy: $100.00

Toadying

• Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes: $50.00
• Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes: $20.00
• Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing: $40.00
• Ridiculously Minute Bowing/Breathing Questions: $75.00
• Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than English: $95.00
• Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor: $35.00
• Pencil Behind Ear: $25.00
• Conspicuous Part Marking: $15.00
• Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking: $300.00
• Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish Minor Bowing Change: $100.00
• Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score During Break: $150.00
• Reference to Obscure Recordings/Performances: $90.00
• Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During Rehearsal: $15.00
• Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor: $25.00
• Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal Time Than They Think: $2000.00

Annoying Behavior By Veterans

• Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass): $25.00
• Holding Same 1/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else: $200.00
• Discussing Technique During Rehearsal: $100.00
• Discussing Technique During Break : $200.00
• Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time): $500.00
• Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes: $30.00
• Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (Second-Hand): $60.00
• Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (First-Hand): $90.00
• Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign Languages: $150.00

General Obnoxious Behavior

• Inviting Conductor to Party: $15.00
• Inviting Soloist to Party: $100.00
• Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service Following Party: $200.00
• Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before Service: $50.00
• Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can: $100.00
• Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can: $250.00
• Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be Performed by Guest Artist : $400.00
• Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes: $10.00
• Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs: $15.00
• Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire (e.g. Pachelbel Canon): $65.00
• Conversing With Management (non-hostile): $25.00
• Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians: $200.00