Bring your wallet (updated fines).

Now that we’re all back into the season full swing, I thought it would be fun to revisit a popular post from a couple of years ago. Different versions of this list have circulated for years, so again I encourage you to post comments with any suggestions for additional fines/infractions. Also, it seemed appropriate to add a special management section, just as a sign of the times. Please note all management fines are per incident, but variable depending on current executive compensation.

2011 Bonus Section:

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Management Fines

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[sixcol_five]Creative accounting[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$500.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Using the phrases “community engagement” or “new model” more than 75 times in one day [/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last] $200.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Plagiarizing Henry Fogel (verbal)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$50.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Inability to identify Henry Fogel[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$300.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five] Referring to ASOL (League) data from 1995 or before[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$250.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Misinformed pension fund commentary (unintentional)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$150.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five] Comical press gaffes[/sixcol_five]

[sixcol_one_last]$25.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Any reference to a “20 hour workweek”[/sixcol_five]

[sixcol_one_last]$3,000.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Using the words “Detroit”, “Philadelphia” and “new model” in the same sentence[/sixcol_five]

[sixcol_one_last]$2,000.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five] General overuse of jargon or catchphrases (including above) [/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$200.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five] Covert multi-year contract renewal [/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$2000.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Awkward fundraising speech before every subscription concert [/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$400.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Visible ponytail (male)  [/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$500.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Habitual use of mystifying graphs and/or pie charts[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$300.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Loss of more than 10 titled players in one season[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$1,000.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Loss of more than 25 staff in one season[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$500.00[/sixcol_one_last]

[sixcol_five]Premature bankruptcy declaration[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]TBD[/sixcol_one_last]

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Musician Fines

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Impersonating a Professional

[sixcol_five]Stupid questions[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$10.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Really stupid questions[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$20.00[/sixcol_one_last] [divider_flat]

Presumptuous First Year Behavior

[sixcol_five]Musicological Elucidation[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$25.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Historical Nitpicking[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$50.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Obtrusive Foot Tapping[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$10.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Uninvited Conducting[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$15.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings (strings)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$25.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with what  Philadelphia did under Ormandy[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$100.00[/sixcol_one_last] [divider_flat]

Toadying

[sixcol_five]Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$50.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five]Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$20.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$40.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Ridiculously Minute Bowing/Breathing Questions[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$75.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than English[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$95.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$35.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Pencil Behind Ear[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$25.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Conspicuous Part Marking[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$15.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$300.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish Minor Bowing Change[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$100.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score During Break[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$150.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Reference to Obscure Recordings/Performances[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$90.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During Rehearsal[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$15.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$25.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal Time Than They Think[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$2000.00[/sixcol_one_last] [divider_flat]

Annoying Behavior By Veterans

[sixcol_five] Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$25.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Holding Same 1/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$200.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Discussing Technique During Rehearsal[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$100.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Discussing Technique During Break [/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$200.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$500.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$30.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (Second-Hand)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$60.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous Musician (First-Hand)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$90.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign Languages[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$150.00[/sixcol_one_last] [divider_flat]

General Obnoxious Behavior

[sixcol_five] Inviting Conductor to Party[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$15.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Inviting Soloist to Party[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$100.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service Following Party[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$200.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before Service[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$50.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$100.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$250.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be Performed by Guest Artist [/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$400.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$10.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$15.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire (e.g. Pachelbel Canon)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$65.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Conversing With Management (non-hostile)[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$25.00[/sixcol_one_last] [sixcol_five] Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians[/sixcol_five] [sixcol_one_last]$200.00[/sixcol_one_last] [divider_flat]

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15 thoughts on “Bring your wallet (updated fines).”

  1. What if soloist really wants to go to the party?
    OK–you left out the category:
    GUEST SOLOIST FINES INCURRED BY ORCHESTRA
    1: not following the soloist tempi: $500.00
    2: not letting soloist play cadenza in dress rehearsal: $1.00 per note
    3: no water in the soloist dressing room: $3.50 (cost for case of water at Costco, BJs, whatever)
    4: not tuning orchestra to the piano for piano concerto: $100.00 (cost of tuning piano equivalent)
    5: not picking up artist at airport or train, taxi station, bus depot, hitch-hiker stop: $75.00
    6: refusing to shake hand with soloist before and after: rotate concertmaster seat for gig
    7: whispering about soloist for any reason during rehearsals: heavy duty tape over mouth, or $25.00
    8: whispering about soloist for any reason during concerts: microphone secretly placed under your shirt or dress while you are sleeping + $50.00
    9: playing too loudly when soloist has the melody: $50.00 plus mute for your instrument at your own expense
    10: misuse of vibrato during soloist’s concerto depending on the style: $35.00 + rehab consisting of three private lessons by teacher of management choice.

  2. Mispronouncing musician’s name at his/her retirement.–$25
    Mispronouncing musician’s name when announcing his/her death.–$100.
    Programming any piece more than 20 times in a given season, or 50 times in a 5-year period.–$150.

  3. Proposed $50 fine for both musicians and management who misuse the term “structural deficit”. Structural deficits only result from the inability to levy taxes. An orchestra’s deficit is really just a plain old deficit, but a union’s deficit could well be structural, if its expenses exceed its income from work dues, and it can’t raise work dues in time to cover the deficit.

    • Yes! A whole new Social Media category is desperately needed. Taking selfie with conductor: $50 (after concert), $100 (at dress rehearsal), $250 (at earlier rehearsal). Posting selfie on Facetwitgram: $100 (following concert), $250 (before concert), $500 (before end of first rehearsal).

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