Music is now officially a banned substance at marathons and races by USA Track and Field.  We have finally made the sports pages!  We are now the unfair advantage. I met with a friend in Rochester the other day who told me she can run further when listening to the first movement of the Eroica Symphony.  I should have told her to download some Schoenberg as she would also run faster just to try and get away from the sound! In the immortal words of Bill Maher, I kid Schoenberg.….

It has long been known that music can be a great motivational tool.  Incidentally the Mozart effect in my opinion doesn’t make kids smarter, but will put them in a great frame of mind to focus on the task at hand thus helping maximizing their potential.  It seems that some coaches in the NFL are buying into the same idea .  The Kansas City Chiefs and the New York Jets (funny article) played Mozart during training camp although at 4-5 and 1-8 respectively either it didn’t have an “effect” or they just aren’t very good!

Mozart and others are also making our streets safe driving hooligans away with their works being blared over speakers at railroads and other public places.  I experienced this personally when walking past a McDonald’s in Dallas a few years back where they were playing classical music through a speaker outside.  I went in to ask why and was told it was to keep the gangs away!  Can I get  Figar – o – Fish to go please! Maybe it is just hard to do something bad when classical music is playing, Clockwork Orange being the exception!

In an article about the ban on audio players, Jack Weiss, race director for Euless-based Ironhead Race Productions says

“I tell them, ‘The Rolling Stones may have trained you for this race, but now you are on your own,’ “

Well, what if it is Classical Music that they are listening to?  How will that effect them?  Someone sent me this: Download music_effects.txt a humorous take on the Mozart Effect and different composers versions.  Now inspired, here is my list of how listening to different composers might effect you and those around you in a marathon:

  • Stravinsky – Can’t seem to stop running in a Zig Zag
  • Lully – You start hopping on one leg
  • Bruckner – There goes one step, just 37,699 to go
  • Shostakovitch – The storm clouds gather, but just over you
  • Bernstein – Every two steps you take a leap
  • Paganini – Every three steps you a) back flip, b) somersault, c) swan dive, d) combine ab&c
  • Feldman – Why can’t I follow this map?
  • Liszt – Why are all these women chasing me?
  • Foss – How come no one else is racing?
  • Mahler – You start screaming “when will the pain stop””
  • Wagner – The race never seems to end
  • Schoenberg – Everyone runs away from you
  • Cage – As every mile passes you grow more determined to break the 4:33 second mark
  • Ives – Running backwards and forwards at the same time…no questions asked
  • Mozart  – Always win
  • Salieri – Who?
  • Rachmaninoff – Hypnotized
  • Vivaldi – You can run through snow, sun, leaves and grass
  • Puccini – Mid morning races only when “nobody is sleeping”
  • Glass – You run 26.2 miles but never leave the start line
  • Debussy – Everything looks blurry
  • Berlioz – Everything looks hazy
  • Haydn – One by one the other runners bow out of the race until you’re the only one left
  • Orff/Lencovallo/Mascagni – This will be your first race..and your last
  • Carter/Wuorinen – To enter the Boston marathon they are required listening!

Feel free to to let your mind “run” wild and add to the list!

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