Reality, and other misconceptions

There’s a new reality show in the UK. Usually this would be an excuse to hit the Trader Vic’s (4th edition) and work on a new cocktail, but this one is different. Or worse. The name says it all – Maestro. This naturally has got me thinking about how far this could be taken (insert suitable dream music here………………………………..)

Perhaps the most astonishing thing about how orchestras function, or closer to the truth – malfunction, is how the various parts know so little about how the other parts work. I’m not just talking about inside the actual ensemble, mind, but throughout the institution. While it is true that your average violinist seems to know not very much bout the ins-and-outs of the trumpet, or your average oboist really doesn’t care that much which sticks the (too loud) timpanist thinks should be used in that passage, at least all these folks have a common background and a common goal. They all went to music school, studied the same or similar works, same composers, same theory, etc. (The uncharitable part of me wants to throw in some kind of necessary exclusion for singers but perhaps it’s too early in the morning, for both them and me.)

But there’s a lot more to an orchestra than the orchestra itself. You have the Board, the Administration, the Staff, the Conductor, the Audience…… and statistics will tell you that although many of the above may have studied an instrument at some point in their lives the vast majority never considered the preposterous idea of making a living in music. For example, my good friend’s (and sometime concert attendee) experience playing in a high school marching band in Green Bay does not quite give her the same perspective on the music business as the new cellist in town, who studied at Eastman and at one point had to decide between buying that fabulous cello or buying a house.

Much more frightening is the conductor who hasn’t touched their instrument in……. in…….. years? And no, playing for 5 minutes at the symphony gala doesn’t count. I’m talking about getting up in front of 2,000 people and playing a Mozart concerto. These conductors have frequently forgotten the instrumentalist’s perspective and I can’t help but think that their art suffers for it. When I first came to the Minnesota Orchestra there were still a couple people who had been hired by Mitropoulous. I heard firsthand a very famous story that on the day of a concert the piano soloist got sick, so the Big Greek conducted the work from the keyboard, in concert and without extra rehearsal. Said work was Prokofiev 3. Yikes. I have little doubt that his ability and dedication to his own instrument was part and parcel of what made him one of the greatest conductors of the 20th century.

But wait, there’s more! We must take this to its logical conclusion. Musicians are notorious for complaining that their administration doesn’t know diddly about how things really should work. Decision by the admin are met with derision, the all-knowing roll of the eye, and the lament “if only we were in charge.” Yet I have noticed that those musicians who have spent a lot of time inside an orchestra administration never, ever trot out this line. They have seen how the other half lives, and in many situations how hard it is for that other half to get anything done stuck between the forces of the Board, the Audience, and the Musicians. They understand that functioning between these frequently opposing demands AND trying to get anything creative done is a tightrope without a net, and the confines of a non-profit world and the various union agreements makes things very tricky indeed. And what about those admin folk? There is a surprising number of them who did attend that music school and had dreams about making a living in music. But the reality of the business set in so they decided to….. uh…… go into orchestral management? Perhaps it is time to have a bit more sympathy for those poor lost souls upstairs.

Hold on, though, we can’t forget the Board of Directors. What are the prerequisites for being on the Board of your average orchestra? Money? And (hopefully) a love of music? That’s it. I’ve heard people claim that business acumen helps, but that always seems to be acumen in the for-profit world, and I’ve worked enough in both the non- and the for- to know that they’re completely different. So we’re back to love and money. Since those are the two things that make the world go around let us be glad that there are these people willing to focus their passions on orchestras. But how many of them have touched an instrument in the past 30 years? Perhaps it should be in the bylaws of all orchestras that Board members must study and show proficiency on an instrument during their tenure.

I’ll skip over staff (librarians, stage, etc.) as they usually know much more than anybody else about how screwed up things are.

So, how about this for a reality show – instead of just trying to turn a few hapless schmucks into conductors why don’t we make everyone in a professional orchestra change jobs for a season? Could you just imagine? Conductor as stage hand. Or Board chair as Education assistant. Principal Clarinet running Marketing. Artistic Administrator as Concertmaster. Goodness, if we did it for just one concert series I think it would make a point. Then perhaps when things went back to “normal” there would be much more co-operation between all these opposing groups who, truth be told, really are in the same boat. Now that’s a reality show I’d tune into. We’ve got to come up with a good title though……… Suggestions welcome.