We here at SticksandDrones take our reporting on the Classical music scene very seriously. So it is with a very heavy heart that I report that a major drug scandal has hit our beloved profession. Read on…
Sources in the United States government have leaked to SticksandDrones that a major investigation is underway to determine the extent of the use of a dangerous and highly illegal form of performance-enhancing drug in Classical Music. The Center of Musical Enhancement – Orchestra Niche (CoME-ON) is looking into how these drugs were developed, who is supplying them, and who has been guilty of taking them to improve their performances. This class of drugs, called Anatalic Musoids, is a relatively recent development in Classical Music, so the investigation is not expected to to name figures from before the 20th Century.
This new class of performance-enhancing drugs is extremely dangerous. Taken by suppositories or through injections these drugs travel straight to the Ego section of a musician’s brain. They are supposed to allow performers to play faster and louder, as well as to increase the use of obviously audience-pleasing jestures. Side effects include the feeling that one is in direct contact with deceased composers, a tendency to hire major New York management for no reason, sudden career deviation into “cross-over” recordings, and a marked decrease in the ability to read alto clef. The sources in CoME-ON have confirmed that no violists are targets of the investigation.
CoME-ON has traced the development of Anatalic Musoids to a lab in the Minneapolis/St. Paul metro region. The existence of this lab, Twinco Labs, came to light when CoME-ON was tipped off that some classical recordings made in the 1950s show enhanced performance capabilities. CoME-ON believes that Twinco named this powerful new class of drugs after their inventor, conductor Anatal Sorati. It was his 1958 recording of the “1912” Overture that CoME-ON believes is the first recorded case of the use of Anatalic Musoids. The master tapes of this recording have been subpoenaed for further study.
SticksandDrones has attempted to contact the Union of Fabulous Orchestras to have a representative comment on this ongoing investigation. UFO has declined to make a representative available but they did release the following statement: “UFO is deeply concerned about the allegations of performance-enhancing drugs in the Classical music world. We have asked the highly respected retired orchestra administrator Hank Smokel to investigate these allegations and submit a report to UFO. We look forward to his report and his recommendations for cleaning up our wonderful musical tradition.”
Sources inside UFO have leaked that the Smokel report will name many past and present major Classical music artists as users of Anatalic Musoids. Artists reportedly under investigation include violinist/conductor Mauvas Tinkerspan, counter-tenor Reachiano Fordahisee, and pianist Aleakina deep Pipepoolcha. When SticksandDrones reached the legendary 3’2″ Pipepoolcha she said: “Yes, I took Anatalic Musoids. How else could I play Rachmaninoff’s 3rd Piano concerto with hands that don’t even reach an open 5th? I needed an edge and the orchestra was counting on me to perform. I did it in a moment of weakness and I’m sorry for it. I should have just practiced more scales.” It is rumored that the Olympic Orchestra Monitors (OOM) will demand that Mdme. Pipepoolcha return the gold medals that she won in the 1976 Olympiad, and that her world record in the Pianothalon be erased from the record books.
SticksandDrones has also asked the Professional Union of Laboring Philharmonics to comment on the use of Anatalic Musoids among the rank-and-file of orchestra musicians. The response of PULP: “Fiction! It’s pure fiction! There is no Anatalic Musoid use by our union members.” When asked at a news conference about the recent world record performance of the Upper New Hampshire Baroque Ensemble, where the 9 member group played a C major chord at Baroque pitch that registered an 8.6 on the open-ended richter scale the spokesman for PULP muttered something about “taking a phone call from Mr. Hoffa” and quickly left the room. There is going to be severe pressure on PULP to squeeze out concessions from their members to agree to regular Anatalic Musoid testing.
It also appears that the Anatalic Musoid scandal has reached beyond the United States and into Canada. The Canadian Royal Artist Patrol has confirmed that a major target of their investigation are the orchestras of the Province of Alberta. CRAP is especially interested in interviewing the rogue Polish-born conductor Wilhelm Edinski for his role in spreading the use of Anatalic Musoids throughout Western Canada. There are reports that performance-enhancement has been discovered in several of his concerts during the 2006-07 season, including one infamous example of “bum-wiggling” that caught the attention of the World Employment Society Where Every Artist Reports. WESWEAR has denied that an investigation is occurring. Said WESWEAR: “These are totally false reports. Any questions should be directed to the local authorities.”
The Anatalic Musoid scandal in Classical music seems to reach far beyond the orchestral world. CoME-ON is investigating whether the Alcott Quartet has been cited as a major source of Musoids within the Chamber Music world. CoME-ON considers their landmark 6 1/2 minute long recording of the complete Bartok String Quartets to be a major case of Musoid abuse. “A syphalitic kangaroo couldn’t Bartok pizz that fast without help” said the source inside CoME-ON. Repeated requests for an interview sent to the Alcott quartet were turned down. A spokesman for Alcott said they were Thoreauly Emersed in a Hawthorne bush and unavailable for comment.
SticksandDrones has been the recipient of anonymous threats against this reporter. A threatening letter has been received at SticksandDrones headquarters. In that letter it is written that “if that idiot prints any of these scurrilous charges we will rig every piano he is scheduled to play to explode when he presses middle C.” The chief editor of SticksandDrones, Tru MacBrainus, has recommended that this reporter “get the hell outta Dodge until this scandal blows over.” This reporter will fly to the Mayan coast and enter the 3rd generation of the Mexican Protection program. MP3 has offered asylum to this reporter and his family for the duration of the scandal, or for one week – whichever is shorter.