Dear Patron of the Minnesota Orchestra: We have a very important message to send to you at the beginning of the second (yes, that’s right, the 2nd!) lockout year, brought to you by sheer intransigence, uncommon arrogance, and a total disregard for ethics, morals, or anything else: screw you.
This disparagement has gone on long enough. We, your Board of Directors, have spent the last 4 years (yes, that’s right, four years!) cooking the books, plotting to reset the business model (whatever the hell THAT means), raising millions of dollars for a beautiful lobby, and ignoring whomever has pleaded for a more rational approach to how we want to do business.
No, let us rephrase that – summarily ignoring whomever has pleaded for a more rational approach to how we want to do business. For the last 1 1/2 years we have been feeding you dubious information, parading around like an arrogant tinpot dictator, and now even dissing the man who brought you peace in Northern Ireland, and what thanks do we get? We get trashed in the media, we get angry letters from you people, we get bad press across the Western world. None of you have even deigned to recognize the valuable service we have volunteered for.
Well, screw you. Let Osmo leave. Who cares about a Music Director anyway? He’s unimportant, and we surely can replace him with someone cheaper without it (and this is important, so pay attention!) impacting the “artistic product” (whatever that is; we are soooooo tired of hearing about that overrated nonsense – we are trying to run a business here). Osmo is just a line item on our suddenly unbalanced budget (that we have known about for four years, but that isn’t important right now). It’s just like those pesky musicians – we’ll just order up another one, but this time he will be completely beholden to us. How about that?
Carnegie Hall? Who cares? No one we have ever heard of has played there, it can’t be important. And anyway, they don’t have the lobby that we do! You can rent our lobby for weddings or whatever! You can’t do that at that lame Carnegie Hall place. That grubby old dump sounds too much like a deli. What’s the big deal?
Recordings? Look, no one buys recordings anymore. The don’t bring any attention to us, the Board, the most important part of this whole organization, so why should we bother? I mean, what’s a “Grammy Nomination?” That just sounds like a union plot to drive us further into the red.
So screw you. Nothing you say matters. Nothing you want matters. Bad press doesn’t matter. International outrage doesn’t matter. Musicians and Music Directors fleeing don’t matter. Politicians don’t matter. Blogs especially don’t matter. Carnegie Hall doesn’t matter. That chump George Mitchell doesn’t matter. Concerts don’t matter. The livelihood of the musicians doesn’t matter. The 110+ year tradition and reputation of the Minnesota Orchestra doesn’t matter. And you, you so-called “patrons,” you will never, ever matter.
Hear us loud and clear – we don’t care. It’s our way or the highway. If we don’t get our way on absolutely everything we will happily sink this ship, and once it hits the bottom of the ocean we will walk away and wipe our hands of it. Then we shall see who matters.
Your Board of Directors of the whatever.
Ps. You will shortly be receiving a phone call soliciting funds for the bright future we have envisioned at Orchestra Hall! Please be generous……. or not. That doesn’t matter either.
(*Note – This post is satire……. I think)