{"id":689,"date":"2008-04-14T08:06:34","date_gmt":"2008-04-14T14:06:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/?p=15"},"modified":"2008-04-14T08:06:34","modified_gmt":"2008-04-14T14:06:34","slug":"orchestral-fines-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/orchestral-fines-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Orchestral Fines"},"content":{"rendered":"

With all this Music Director discussion it seems like a good time to post something in a little more humorous direction. Several years ago someone sent me a wish list just in case a policy is ever put in place for monetary penalties during orchestral services, and I’ve updated and revised it a few times over the years. Those of you who work regularly in an orchestra may recognize some of these infractions; hopefully everyone can find something amusing here. It seems to be evolving every year or so, so feel free to email me with any suggestions for future fines…..<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n\n<\/col>\n<\/col>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
INFRACTION<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/td>\n\n

FINE<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Stupid Questions<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 10.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Really stupid questions<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 25.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Really Stupid Questions Which Increase Rehearsal Time<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 300.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST-YEAR BEHAVIOR<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Musicological Elucidation<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 25.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Historical Nitpicking<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 50.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Obtrusive Foot Tapping<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 10.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Uninvited Conducting<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 15.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Questioning Concertmaster’s or Principal’s Bowings
\n(strings)<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 25.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Comparing Concertmaster’s or Principal’s bowings with
\nwhat\u00a0 Philadelphia did under Ormandy<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 100.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

TOADYING<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Insane Cackling at Conductor’s Jokes<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 50.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Loud and Forced Phony Laugh at Conductor’s Jokes<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 20.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Unwarranted Beatific Smile While Playing<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 40.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Ridiculously Minute Bowing\/Breathing Questions<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 75.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Conversing With Conductor in Language Other Than
\nEnglish<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 95.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Active and Public Nodding in Agreement With Conductor<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 35.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Pencil Behind Ear<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 25.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Conspicuous Part Marking<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 15.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Pencil Clattering on Stand After Conspicuous Part Marking<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 300.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Taking Much Longer Than Entire String Section to Finish
\nMinor Bowing Change<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 100.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Obvious, Insipid Consultation of Conductor’s Score
\nDuring Break<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 150.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Reference to Obscure Recordings\/Performances<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 90.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor During
\nRehearsal<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 15.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 25.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Informing Conductor That They Have More Rehearsal
\nTime Than They Think<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 750.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Playing High Notes Louder Than Possible (Brass)<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 25.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Holding Same 1\/4 Beat Longer Than Everyone Else<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 200.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Discussing Technique During Rehearsal<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 100.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Discussing Technique During Break<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 200.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Discussing Technique With Guest Artist (at any time)<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 500.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 30.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous
\nMusician (Second-Hand)<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 60.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Tiresome, Time-Consuming Anecdotes About Famous
\nMusician (First-Hand)<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 90.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Feigning European Birth by “lapsing” into Foreign
\nLanguages<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 150.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Inviting Conductor to Party<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 15.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Inviting Soloist to Party<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 100.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Showing Pictures of Soloist at Party During First Service
\nFollowing Party<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 200.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Warming Up Onstage More Than 30 Minutes Before
\nService<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 50.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Warming Up Onstage So Loudly No One Else Can<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 100.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Warming Up Backstage So Loudly No One Else Can<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 250.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Warming Up Loudly With Solo Part of Concerto To Be
\nPerformed by Guest Artist<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 400.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Continuing to Tune Loudly After Everyone Else Finishes<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 10.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Unnecessarily Obvious Insertion of Earplugs<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 15.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Habitual Use of Earplugs Regardless of Repertoire
\n(e.g. Pachelbel Canon)<\/td>\n		\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 65.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Conversing With Management (non-hostile)<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 \u00a0 25.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Forwarding “Funny” Email to Other Musicians<\/td>\n\n

$\u00a0 200.00<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With all this Music Director discussion it seems like a good time to post something in a little more humorous direction. Several years ago someone sent me a wish list just in case a policy is ever put in place for monetary penalties during orchestral services, and I’ve updated and revised it a few times over the years. Those of you who work regularly in an orchestra may recognize some of these infractions; hopefully everyone can find something amusing here. It seems to be evolving every year or so, so feel free … Continue Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":34,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-689","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-things"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/689","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/34"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=689"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/689\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=689"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=689"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidethearts.com\/nondivisi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=689"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}